I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
