Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
