I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
