Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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