mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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