she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
how does that bad decision feel?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
