I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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