what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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