Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I want her autograph on my taint
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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