Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
