Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize