and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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