a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize