If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
