Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
