Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
