She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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