my mouth tastes like poor choices
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
