I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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