I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
