I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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