My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
