Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
