You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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