I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize