True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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