JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
