i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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