I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
