She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
