you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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