The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
