How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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