Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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