I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
