Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
