He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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