I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
