i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
