she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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