Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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