a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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