let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
