Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize