Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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