you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I've blown a few things in my day
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I party with great urgency now.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
