the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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