I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
