so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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