if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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