you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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