my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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