Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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