im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
